I just started reading this book by Justin Halpern, $#*! My Dad Says. The title really caught my eye. I was so curious. It's a tad expensive but then again hubba bought it with the book voucher he received from the gov (read: our parents' taxes payments) HAHA!
Here are some interesting things his paps said:
On Toilet Training
"You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This isn't of those negotiations where we'll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet!"
On First Day of Kindergarten
"You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life"
On My Seventh Birthday Party
"No, you can't have a bouncy horse at your birthday party... What would you mena why? have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a gaddamn bouncy horse in our backyard? Yeah that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about, that you think just magically appears".
On Table Manners
"Can we have one dinner where you don't spill something? No, Joni, he does do it on purpose because if he doesn't, that means he's just mentally handicapped and none of the testes showed that"
On First Sleepover At A Friend's House
"Try not to piss yourself"
On feeling Comfy in One's Own Skin
"It's MY house. I'll wear clothes whenever I wanna wear clothes and I'll be naked whenever I wanna be naked. The fact that your friends are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that - aka I don't give a shit"
On Telemarketer Phonecalls
"Hello?... Fuck you"
On Showering With Regularity
"You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower everyday.... I don't care if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son"
On Chivalry
"Give your mother the front seat... I don't give a shit if she said you could have it. That's what she;s supposed to do and you're supposed to say "No, I insist...". You think I'm gonna drive around with my wife in the backseat and a nine-year-old in the front? You're a crazy sin of a bitch"
On Getting in Trouble at School
"Why would you throw a ball at someone's face?... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good"
On LEGOs
"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of shit"
On My Sixth-Grade PTA Meeting
"I don't think that teacher likes you, so I don't like her. You ding off more shit than a pinball, but gaddamn it, you're a good kid. She can go fuck herself"
On Slumber Parties
"there's chips in the cabinet and ice cream in the freezer. Stay away from knives and fire. Okay, I've done my part. i'm going to bed"
On Sharing
"I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be and asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often"
On Dealing With Bullies
"You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it"
On Taking My First Girlfriend To Las Vegas
"Vegas? IO don't get it. Neither of you are old enough to gamble. You're not old enough to drink. The only thing you're old enough to do is rent a hotel and - ah, I gotcha. That's smart"
Trust me, there are more of this. Cool shiz right? If it weren't for the um... book voucher, we wouldn't even look at this book!
You can follow Mr Halpern's Twitter @shitmydadsays
I could use more books like this instead of those dark romance I usually read. Good for the soul.
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